Shared Spirituality
When I work with couples preparing for marriage, we spend some time talking about how they express their spritual life - both as individuals and as the family they are becoming together. It’s rare for couples to come from the same spiritual background, already speaking with a shared language about what they believe and what that will look like in their marriage. (And anyway, that might be boring if we had it all figured out before getting started!)
I think the most important ingredients for a shared spirituality are curiosity, community, and conversation. Here are some of the questions I share with couples who want to develop language and build relationships for the sake of a shared spirituality. It’s never too late to engage these topics in a relationship that matters to your values and faith.
1. Krista Tippett (On Being) always begins her interviews with the question, “Tell me about the spiritual background of your childhood.” It could mean culture, expectations, traditions, values, or how God was or wasn’t spoken about in your home.
2. Share about a spiritual/religious holiday tradition from your childhood that continues to feel sentimental and important to your story. What made it special? Who was involved? Why does it still matter to you?
3. Think about the people with whom you shared holidays and family gatherings. What were the general expectations? Were there particular topics of conversation to avoid? Why or why not? We’re there parts of your identity you needed to tip toe around in order to help the event go smoothly? Was there a character whose expectations needed to be managed or met in order for the occasion to be considered a success?
4. Philanthropy scholars say, “We are only as generous as we are right now.” That is to say, don’t wait until you reach a particular age or income to be financially generous toward the causes and communities you care about. Generosity is a habit that begins early if it is to be long-term. Choose 3 organizations or causes that are important to your financial stewardship. Share with your partner why these organizations matter to you and how you’d like to begin or continue financial support to help them thrive.
5. What is your relationship with prayer, both corporately in a worship setting and personally or silently? Do you believe that prayer has an effect on God, the world, or you as the person praying? Share how you practice prayer (or why you don’t) with your partner. Try praying together, either in mutual silence or together out loud by naming the reasons you are grateful for one another.
6. An important part of a family’s spirituality is cultivating community in which to believe, belong, grow, experience tension, and practice forgiveness and wonder. (It doesn’t have to be a church, but it can be.) Do you have a community with which you experience these things together? Do you have room in your life for another expression of community that you can find and invest in together?
7. Were you baptized? What do you know or remember about that day? Do you have godparents and do you have a relationship with them? Baptism is the sacrament that declares, on the front end of a relationship with Christian community, you are already loved and enough - no matter what. Now go and be brave and love well in community so others can see how true this is! Who are the people who remind you that you are enough and loved no matter what? Take time to think about 3 people (each) who might need to hear this and tell them - by text, phone, card, FaceTime, etc. Then pray for them before you go to bed.
8. Speak aloud a question you have about 1) the tradition that raised you, 2) a spiritual practice you’ve observed, and 3) a religion other than your own. Honor the fact that faith is filled with questions and do a little research together to learn more about the context for each other’s curiosity.
9. Use a tool like this Values Inventory to sort and prioritize your personal life values. Share your top 5-10 values with each other and notice patterns or similarities. Consider communities and organizations that can help you practice living these values in the world.
10. If you have not hosted a spiritual holiday or tradition as a couple before, consider the Liturgical Calendar, which includes a variety of special days to celebrate festivals and saints. Choose one that interests you both and host a celebration in its honor. If it’s meaningful and fun, consider creating an annual tradition. If it’s a bust, what did you learn?
(Christian holidays are many more than Christmas and Easter. While you might already have traditions for these, you can learn a lot about yourselves and your faith by creating ritual around another holiday that doesn’t already have expectations tied to it. The wind, fire, and languages of Pentecost? Paper lanterns on Ascension Day? St. Francis’ love of animals? Remembering your ancestors on All Saints? The mid-winter light and hope of Lucia? The possibilities are endless.)